Hard Lessons?
One thing I am learning during this period of grief, surprisingly is -- gratitude.
Gratitude for my loss?
Let the record show I am not there. But I am aware that tiny sparks of light during my day are shots of gratefulness. Random things to be sure--personal touches which the Lord gives to me that encourage my soul. A beautiful fall, sunny and rich with color. An energetic dog which gives me reason to walk when I REALLY DON'T FEEL LIKE IT. A cat on my lap. A good book with a happy ending. Comfortable shoes. An afternoon with my notebook and pen, magazines galore, and I just peruse, jot down good thoughts, good ideas, good deals, and let my creative juices flow. Hope for home improvements, avenues for writing projects, stories of people turning their lemons into lemonade, that sort of thing.
Actually, I hadn't thought of the spiritual application until I turned to Philippians 4:6, an old favorite of mine -- "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication,with THANKSGIVING (caps mine) let your requests be made known to God;" I have memorized and prayed that verse countless times. Countless times I have felt the peace erase my anxiety. I turned to it by habit almost -- looking for comfort during my meditation time. Like popcorn popping in the microwave, thoughts sprang up that brought me joy--big and small.
Rejoicing with my son Tony over his brand new job. His graciousness and gratitude over our support, and his delight in treating us to a celebration dinner encouraged my mother's heart! Sharing laughter and amazement of how the experience unfolded as a family shored us all up in hope after the pain of the past months.
Hugging my older Chinese neighbor on a walk with my dog as she proudly spoke the few English
words she knows "How you doing?" I respond by bobbing my head up and down, and she laughs, using every known muscle in her seasoned face.
Grateful for my big new, COLORFUL umbrella which I had during a recent downpour. (Note to non-Oregonians--I rarely carry an umbrella here-rain is a way of life--I rely most generally on expensive hair spray.)
A conversation with a dear friend who honored me by sharing precious last moments with a friend in hospice and the joy it brought to her and to him.
Plopping down after morning chores, drowning with sadness and tears (a bad day) when I turned on T.V. and voila! an old movie I hadn't seen in years which took away my tears. I howled with laughter.
Surveying the mess in the midst of reorganizing my office, my dear husband comes home after a long day, seeing my distress, trucks me down to Office Deport to purchase a new file cabinet which has been on my "I NEED THAT" list for a long time.
There were other tidbits, but I got it.
Even in the midst of the storm, there is light, albeit at times, little sparks. But I know from experience, that those sparks, realized day by day, enlarge my vision, encourage my heart, and eventually burst forth to larger bursts of thanksgiving.
Thank you Lord.
