Last time I left you dear reader, I had grabbed a copy of Andrew Murray's WAITING ON GOD, my journal and my Bible. No GPS, no expectations, no agendas, just to lay low, go with the flow.
I discovered, at a deeper level, to listen.
To be still.
To be all right with silence. Lots of it.
I sat with pain.
I sat with restlessness.
I sat with guilt. Shouldn't I be doing something?
I sat with anger that I was still grieving, that I didn't understand, and that this "feeling stuff" takes so much time! Doesn't the Bible say not to let the sun go down on your anger? Really?
I let myself wonder. I let go of political correctness. I went to the Lord to let Him do the transforming work.
I slept in.
I watched lots of Hallmark movies.
I read lots of books.
I didn't answer my phones always.
I deleted huge blocks of needless e-mails. Whew!
I listened to my body. Too stiff? Too hungry? Too bored? Too sleepy?
I took my Bible to quiet places, and spent hours on favorite passages, digging in with new ones.
I took note of all of the technical things I did not understand. And after awhile, I acknowledged (begrudgingly) that I really yearned to know more, and took steps to learn.
I dared to get into my bathing suit at my heaviest weight, and go swimming in a public pool. Proud of myself.
Not so fast! Time to be humbled when I then forgot which guest locker was mine and stood, soaking wet, in the public lobby of the gym waiting for rescue. Made new friends as others, who experienced same dilemma, laughed with me, and patted me on my wet head.
I took long walks, and marveled at my dear joints for still moving.
I decided to be a big girl, joined a writing class, and wrote with abandon.
I allowed friends to love me in many, many ways. I took time to embrace those wonderful gifts!
I let myself struggle over the surrender to God, of my son, of my husband, and of myself! This seemed easier when we were all younger!
I let myself speak my heart.
Often.
Was this floating in uncertainty a good thing? I decided to give myself permission not to know if it was or not.
But one day as I walked with my dog Gunther in the delicious heat of a summer day, I realized --
that I relished looking ahead again,
that perhaps the anger and fear of life that comes with grief,
might be ebbing away for awhile,
and that with all that comes with the chaos of loss,
new sprouts of fun and excitement again spring up in my soul,
I laughed at Gunther's yank on the leash as he lurched at a squirrel in our path, and understood --
that God had bestowed upon me, a wondrous vacation, time and space to experience a new depth of living.
Thank you Jesus!
When even in the midst of "life", we can receive the unexpected wonder of You!
The greatest gift of all measure.
